I just came back from my weekend in lower austria. Went to my parents to set up their new computer and gather material for my project.
It was a 4 day whirlwind just constantly doing stuff and ticking things off.
Baked a bread-fish.
Baked a mask.
Basked some smaller accessories from bread.
Performed in the forest.
Filmed the Carp being ripped apart by everyone working at the restaurant.
Filmed the mask being nibbled at by carp.
Recorded a stream.
Recorded the old people at the restaurant.
What did I learn from doing this?
I am not sure I am commited to the bit? Or if the bit is what I am making it out to be.
It feels there is a fork in the road, where I decide to either go for a meta-narrative of making this project, or I make a project film - one that stays fully within the universe I am building. Or maybe there is an in-between.
I think once again I should be careful to see things so black and white. Probabyl there is a middle ground. All of my actions feel like snapshots. The performance in the forest and the holding of the carp in the sink were more moments than actions. There was no goal or story. Just scene-setting. Which is fine and fair already. But I think there would have to be something more to it.
Also filming and gathering all this stuff I feel as though a movie will happen, but I want to keep reminding myself that that is not the only possible medium. It feels like the most comfortable one but even that I am not sure of - I am not really an expert in filming or recording.
I still think something installation or performance based would be super nice. Also the idea of a performance lecture still strikes me as interesting, but it feels a bit like a trendy thing to do right now.
I started reading the bread and puppet theatre books and it talked about it being presentational theatre rather than representational theatre. The idea being that you do not embody something else but u stay yourself and present the audience with something - you become a mere mediator. And it talked about that being tied to a necessary release of the ego. Which I think is a nice thought.
Refusal of definitive Identity.
If my starting point was: How do I keep agency over my personal narrative? Then maybe re-invention could be the answer. Refusing definition. Demonstrating again and again that I am in control over myself. But that also sounds tiring.
It was interesting to me, how I underestimate the people who I grew up with. My mom helped me record and took photos and videos. And while she did all this quite well, what struck me most was her determination. How she is utterly unstoppable and motivated. And seizes any and every opportunity. I think I am quite good at following hunches and ideas without getting stuck with second guessing, but her ability to just go for it is truly astounding.
I also see in her a certain lack of attention to detail, that I observe in myself on the regular , which can be frustrating.
My dad was not actively supporting, proactively pushing me to do anything, but happily obliged, watches what I did and wanted to see. Which is already more than I expected.
People are down to do weird stuff for people they trust and love and I suppose I know a great bunch of people on the countryside who trust and love me.