Ideally creating new queer imagery.
I was thinking about this meme that goes “But would your thesis defend you?”
And in a way I feel like I am trying to work on a project that would defend me. One that is fun to work on, that fuels me, motivates me.
Finn, this queer guy from around my hometown reached out to me and would be open to talk about his relation to the woodquarter and now that the opportunity is there I need to figure out what I want to do. Why I want to talk to people and their relationship to the Waldviertel.
I am scared they will just love it. What if their experience there is totally different from mine and they just love it? Would that erase my experience - no. But it would ask the project to really define what I am after.
I am still scared there is no content to this. All the symbols and tryouts and theory that they would magically just not connect somehow. That it will not make sense or be deep enough.
I want to remind myself that I decided to make the process the project to protect myself from “negative” outcomes. In a way I am constantly reinstating that there is no objective truth to these things, to identity and perception, so if the project does not make sense in a way framing it as a failed attempt would also be a valid outcome.
Or is that lies?
I have to talk about something otherwise its empty hot air?
What baseline applies to my project, what expectations should I hold how much of it is about conviction, having a based approach towards things, not some attempt that lacks any backbone.
Maybe this is just self-soothing. How do I present it in a way that people can relate to it though or try to do the same?
Embrace non-definition, rejoice in dissonances and connect with troubled chapters of their biography in a productive, caring way?
I am scared that this project will be a funny video and not much more.
Scared that besides archetypal tropes it will have nothing to show but things that appear obvious already. Scared that nobody feels that troubled by identity and has realised ages ago that its not that deep and we just perform every moment of reality.
Scared that nobody will relate to my dualistic perception of home and my positionality there, scared that for everyone else its either a great or a terrible place.
I am scared of this just ending up being a narrative about me, me, me.
Also when I just talk about the theory behind all these things, creating constructive spaces of dissonance, collectively relieving us from the false perception that normality is not performed, I run the risk of intellectualising this thing that feels so far from intellect to me. I ended up here following inklings, feelings, hunches.
Making visible the lines that are well trodden. Unearthing arbitrary habits of society.
Because they affect how I carry myself in a space that feels so close to me and simultaneously so far away. And thats a shame.
And I feel I ran away instead of sticking around.
Rejoice it’s all a hoax.
There is nothing to be found digging away at yourself.
Quit and be free in play.
I get stage fright and I am not an actor. Any number of people constitues an audience if you believe it enough.
And we know audiences are out to get you.
So speak wisely, speak uncontenstably, speak only of what u know truly.
Objectivity will grant you validation.
My lens is broken, everything warped and blurry. Objectivity hidden under a morast of crustaceous layers of experience.
So strip me naked.
I strip me naked. More vulnerable now. Also what to speak of when there is no fabric to your stories.
Let me put something back on.
Watch me rearrange, yes this is the backstage.
Follow me.
Wait I forgot my line.
Yes! Ruinology, or was it radical drag? Anyhow. I was told to sputter academic words when I get lost, and they will lead me back to safer ground. Like crumbs of bread.
It’s funny truly to think I need to serendipitously stumble over stories of people experiencing somehting that reminds me of how I experienced a similar thing to really make it stick.
It’s almost like I can only feel once someone told me its totally not only me who feels that way.
Anyways. Phenomenology. Heidegger.
Well once you’re stripped nothing matters anymore.
And then you have the choice to falter with that realisation or embrace it. Potentially. I have not really decided yet. Also can change from day to day, moment to moment.
Yes okay so the breadman here is kind of walking through a memory space. A wonky translation of his home, stripped of realistic qualities, opened up orthographically to the viewer. Experiencing this space in ultra-reality. And he is awfully small, isn't he. Funny little guy. And it’s quite obvious someone is controlling him with a keyboard - not even a joystick, look how abrupt the changes in direction. Foolish work really.
However dramatically this scene is rendered really you can’t shake its blatant metaphors, terribly direct.
This is where I introduce the project.
How my practice seemed to always orbit around my own past, identity, home.
Like those are not truisms for everyone.
Well tragically, I have a hard time believing my own narrative and a pathological urge to validate my thoughts and experience from the outside.
So logically or tragically I decided I need to excavate truth. Finally. After 25 wise years being a body and mind I would be free from inssecurity because - give me just a second - I will unearth absolute truth. Yes.
No I do not want to hear about all the conversation people have had about this before, this is very personal actually, so please just, yes, thank you.
Alright.
Absolute truth told me I am a faggot. And that comes with its own spicy reverberations. Like yeah it was tragic growing up in a secluded tiny town. Yeah yeah coming out was a bit dramatic. And no of course I did not have any role models nearby. Just online. Yes I was a bit of a strange nerd. Of course. No I hated sports yes.
Well I read on other fags’ experiences and turns out there is some shared sensibilities of loning, of flight, of repression, outside subjectification and re-subjectification. Yes and apparently there is power in being the discard. Of course that was a lovely thing to end up at doing this research. Pointing towards myself and saying heyyyy maybe I have something to share, maybe I can be of help here knowing how to navigate this chaos and mess.
And going back home on the one hand had me realise how much of a mess and chaos it still was for me to be there and on the other how big of a deal I made it - a suspicion I had before, u see like the breadman I make myself small and its hard to tell what size would strike a good balance between dramatisation and negligence - again looking for objective truth here.
First that I think its amazing they are here. Just that they are around. Love.
Second I want to know how they feel about the Waldviertel. Do they like it for its community, its nature, its calmess? Or do they feel like they have to adapt to its tight social norms, its precarious forms of divergence?
I feel they are wise for staying there and making space for themselves rather than running away. Not just wise but so strong.
I want to know if they fled to different spaces - analog or digital to explore their identity.
If they feel the Waldviertel plays a role in their identity and sense of self.
If they want to leave or come back?
Name, Alter, wo Du herkommst, wo du jetzt wohnst, was du gerade machst (Schule, Arbeit o.Ä.)
Wie verbunden fühlst du dich dem Waldviertel (noch)? Welche emotionen löst es aus, was bedeutet es für dich?
Kurze queer history - bist du geoutet, wenn ja in welchen Umfeldern, seit wann, in welchem Alter, Wie war der Kontext, wie die Reaktionen?
Fühlst du dich im Waldviertel frei, dich authentisch auszuleben?
Hast du daran gedacht oder planst du, es zu verlassen und glaubst du die Überlegung hat mit deiner Queeren Identität zu tun?
Was magst du am Waldviertel?
Hast du ein Auto, wenn ja welches und ist es dir wichtig?
Hast du in deinem coming of age zuflucht an digitalen Orten gesucht, oder hattest du role models in deinem echten Umfeld?
10/12/2025
Wie würdest du deine Auffassung vom Waldviertel beschreiben, im Bezug auf deine Queerness.
Wie erzeugst du Räume, in denen du dich ausleben kannst (online, Freundesgruppen, etc.)
Fühlst du dich oft eingeschränkt in deiner Identität; wenn ja - in welchen Situationen fällt es dir auf, wie gehst du damit um?
Würdest du sagen, dass du meist standfest mit deiner queeren Identität umgehst? Nimmst du dir Raum, der dir sonst nicht gegeben wird, oder machst du dich manchmal kleiner, ignorierst störende kommentare etc.?
Hast du daran gedacht oder planst du, es zu verlassen und glaubst du die Überlegung hat mit deiner Queeren Identität zu tun?
Hast du ein Auto, wenn ja welches und ist es dir wichtig?
Welche emotionen verbindest du mit dem Ort deiner Heimat?
Findest du deine Identiät ist im Waldviertel selbstbestimmt oder fremdbestimmt?
Hat deine queerness einfluss darauf, wie du das Waldviertel als Ort wahrnimmst?
Möglichkeitsraum im Waldviertel?
Deine Erfahrung queer im ländlichen Raum aufzuwachsen?
Wie schafft ihr es im Waldviertel, eurer queeren identität so offen umzugehen?
Linzmaus:
Wie war das für dich zum aufwachsen im Waldviertel? Als queere Person?
Wie gehst du in Linz/Wien damit um, im Vergleich zum waldviertel? Haben sich deine Mechanismen verändert?
Schulmaus:
Wie schaffst du es dir einen Space zu schaffen, in dem du dich sicher und frei fühlst?
Was wünscht du dir von deiner Zukunft, wo siehst du dich?
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Vergangene Erfahrungen und momentane Strategien.
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Wie fühlst du dich jetzt im Vergleich zu früher in deiner Identität?
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Linz:
Kurzer Background zu dir selbst.
Findest du deine Queerness ist ein großer Teil deiner Identität?
Wie schaffst du es dir einen Space zu schaffen, in dem du dich sicher und frei bewegen kannst? Definierst du dich im Ländlichen oder Städtischen kontext häufiger oder seltener als “queer”, falls überhaupt?
Findest du deine Heimat is ein großer Teil deiner Identität?
Welche emotionen verbindest du mit dem Ort deiner Heimat?
Inwiefern hat dich das Aufwachsen im Ländlichen Raum geprägt? (Welche Qualitäten findest du womöglich Land-spezifisch?)
Verändert sich, wie du über deine Herkunft und Queerness sprichst, wenn du am Land oder in der Stadt bist - Früher oder heute? (Hat sich dein Zugang und deine Auffassung vom Waldviertel verändert, seitdem du mehr Abstand gewonnen hast?)
Schule:
Kurzer Background zu dir selbst.
Findest du deine Queerness ist ein großer Teil deiner Identität?
Wie schaffst du es dir einen Space zu schaffen, in dem du dich sicher und frei bewegen kannst? Definierst du dich im Ländlichen oder Städtischen kontext häufiger oder seltener als “queer”, falls überhaupt?
Findest du deine Heimat is ein großer Teil deiner Identität?
Welche emotionen verbindest du mit dem Ort deiner Heimat?
Inwiefern prägt dich das Aufwachsen im Ländlichen Raum? (Welche Qualitäten findest du womöglich Land-spezifisch?)
Verändert sich, wie du über deine Herkunft und Queerness sprichst, wenn du in verschiedenen Kreisen bist (Familie, Freunde, Öffentlichkeit)? (Hat sich dein Zugang und deine Auffassung vom Waldviertel über die Jahre verändert?)
Ordered a bunch of filming equipment to film with my phone.
I feel so slow right now. Like moving in slow steps everyone seems very busy, it’s a strange atmosphere somehow.
I am still a bit sick and want to rest but I will get to that soon.
Made this carp animation for the epiphany after trying to rig it for a while realised the wave modifier does the job just great. Which is a nice relieve.
I am not excited by much these days to be honest.
I